How Do You Know?

We face a innumerable questions and choices in this life. Every day is filled with questions and choices large and small. Some times it's hard to know what choices are trivial and what choices are going to affect us for the rest of our lives. Other choices are so obviously important they can be paralyzing.

Where do I go to college?
What do I major in?
Who do I marry?
Should leave this job?
Should I take a different job?
Should I buy this house?
Where should I move my family?

As a follower of Christ we desire to make the right choice. We want to be in His will. And so we agonize over choices large and small. We way have every option and look at it from every angle. We labor over the decision not wanting to choose that which is unpleasing to God. We at times become to scared of making a choice that will put it out of God's will for our life that we don't make a choice at all. (Though that in and of it's self is a choice.)

I haven't done the research, but I am willing to guess that when young adults are given the chance to ask questions of their elders "How do I know the will of God" is asked pretty often.

And yet I often wonder if we are looking at things in a skewed way. Are we asking the wrong question? 

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

The goal of life is not to seek God's will, but to seek GOD. To throw our whole selves into pursuing Him and knowing our Savior in a personal and intimate way.

When you fall in love with some one, you get to know them in a very personal way. You delight in discovering knew things about them. You come to know them so well that you know what they like. You can plan an outing with out having to ask if they will enjoy it, because you know them so well you know what they will enjoy.

Isn't it the same with our Lord? When we are crazy about knowing God doesn't all the rest really become a minor issue? If I am constantly in the Word of God and if I am seeking Him daily in prayer, than it seems unlikely that I will turn around and make a choice contrary to Him.  It is freeing if you think about it. All of the sudden these HUGE questions become secondary. And in a way almost trivial. If I am seeking God's with all of my heart then where I go to school just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Where I am working doesn't matter nearly as much as my attitude at work. Where I live doesn't matter as much as weather or not I am engaging fully with those around me and being effective for the kingdom of God. 

So often I get hung up in the big picture. I over analyze everything. Even in my writing I question weather or not I am doing it because it is God's will for myself or my own selfish ambition. And the truth is I may never really have the concrete answer I am looking for. But it I am seeking God and pouring my heart into His, then I am free to write. And if God desires to do something with it then He is free to do so. And if not that is ok as well. Because really all the matters it that I delighted myself in Him.

Bread Of Life

 I am working on a project that maybe some day I will share with you all. I wasn't planning on sharing any of it till it was finished, but as I wrote this part if felt so fitting with Easter just days away that I had to share.

John 6:35

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

How interesting that Christ should compare himself to bread. It is such a simple food. So basic. Some grain, some water, some fat. I am no scholar and, I am sure many people, much wiser than I am have, written things far more in depth than this. 

But these are my thoughts.

Of all of the food Christ could have compared Himself to He chose bread. He chose a basic, humble food. A staple. A food so lowly that it is what prisoners are given. When cupboards are bare and piggy banks are empty there is always bread. Like air, like water, bread meets our most basic of needs in a direct and simple manner.

 Just a day before Christ makes this statement declaring he is the Bread of Life he meets the crowds basic need of food. With bread. And they are back. Wanting that same need met again. And here He offers to meet an deeper need, a need that makes all others pale in comparison. With Himself.

He didn't choose a luxury item to compare Himself to. He didn't place Himself out of the reach of those who desperately need what He had to offer. He came to offer the most extravagant of gits: Grace. And yet He identified Himself with the food of the peasants. He came to meet our most basic need: forgiveness. And He offered it to all. Not the few that were good enough to pay for it. But all He made Himself accessible to all. Like bread. 

The King of Kings stepped off his throne. He joined the ugly, dirty, sinful masses. He lowered Himself to die a criminal's death. He became broken Passover bread. For us. For the poor. To meet our most basic need. He is living water, the bread of life. Broken for us. 

1 Corinthians 11:24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

Thanks Revisited

I have what feels like one million thoughts running around in side my head tonight. I know they all have something to do with each other and are some how all connected and linked, but I have no idea how to express that all here. I am afraid if I were to blurt them all out they would come out disjointed, vague, and confusing.

But I will try to share at lest a few. 

So often lately I feel filled a desire to serve, and yet I feel as if I have no outlet. I crave a ministry opportunity of some sort and yet I have no idea how to fulfill that. This leads to a whole other set of questions that maybe some day I will have to guts to address, but that is not the purpose of this post.

A year ago Josh was at a job that we had hated. For years we had prayed for another opportunity. We had begged God to open doors and lead us some where else. We pleaded, we prayed, we fasted. And nothing. In the midst of a particulary trying period I was reading a book "One Thousand Gifts." The book touched me deeply. I shared a passage with my husband about thanksgiving. The author of the book pointed out time and time again where Christ gave thanks before preforming a miracle. The phrase "Christ gave thanks... and then the miracle." Stuck with us deeply. Josh stopped fasting and instead started thanking God for a job when so many around us were loosing theirs. A week later he had a job offer. I do not believe that gratitude is a magic spell that will get us whatever we want. But I do believe God used that experience to teach my husband a lot about thanksgiving.

So how does all of this connect? I am not entirely sure. But I know as I stood in my kitchen tonight, washing dishes, hashing through my thoughts, and trying to work through them with my husband I came to a place of rest. No real answers, no real conclusion, but a place of peace perhaps.

A year ago God taught me that gratitude always comes before the miracle.

But I think that's just the introduction. I think the real lesson is that gratitude is the miracle.

Being able to live with the unanswered questions. Being at peace with the things that don't make sense.  Looking at the things in your life that hurt beyond expression, and still being able to give thanks. As my friend Mary put it today, that is the abundant life.

Our Ebenezer Wall.

Writing last night's post made me think about a conversation my husband and I have been having a lot lately. We live in a smallish college town. As a result we live in an area filled with flux. Most of the people here won't be here for long. Our town is just a stop in their journey to some where else. A step towards their "real" life.

We all have those places in our lives either physically (college) or simply a stage in life (parent to a toddler) that can make it easy to feel like we are simply in a holding pattern. We are putting in our time till we get get onto what we are going to do with the rest of our lives.

This is the excuse we so often give for not dealing with things NOW (i.e. why we don't brush the tangles out nightly).

I'll get involved in ministry when I finished my bachelor's (master's, doctorate).

I'll get back into the habit of having a daily quite time when my baby sleeps through the night.

We'll save for the future once we pay off a few more bills.

We'll give to church once we have a little more in savings.

I'll write that letter to my grandma once my desk is cleared off.

It is so easy to find reasons to slip into a holding pattern. As a young mother I am often told that "this is just as season." A true phrase that can bring much comfort but can also be twisted into an excuse not to live the life God has called me to.

A year or two ago Josh (my husband) and I were visiting my dad's church in Maryland. My dad gave a great sermon on Jacob wrestling with the angel. The refrain my dad kept sharing over and over was "God was there, and Jacob didn't know it" or "God was here and I almost missed it". He challenged the congregation to be aware to remember that God is in the small, every day, random moments. He challenged us not to miss that.

The phrase "God is here" has become an "Ebenezer phrases" in our house. Along with "grace and manna" and a few others it is a phrase the reminds us something. In this case reminds us to be present. To deal with what God has put in front of us that day. To engage. To live our life now. And not wait for tomorrow.

To volunteer for a service project even if the calendar may feel a little bit full.
To give when our hearts lead us, even in our minds say the bank account is to empty. 
To have the couple from church over, even if the house is a mess and the meal is simple.
To write has been laid on my heart, even if the topic seems to complicated.

God is there. In every circumstance in our lives. The question is... are we?

Tangled Hair and Tangled Lives

My 4 year old daughter has a head full of hair. It is half way down her back and when it is washed and brushed it falls in these perfect beautiful ringlets. It is absolutely gorgeous and at least once a week I threaten to cut it all off.

See Abi hates  to have her hair brushed. She has since she was small. It's actually a family joke. When she was about 18 months I learned that if she was demanding my attention and I need a few more minutes to completely a task I simply had to ask if she wanted me to brush her hair and she would run and hide for a good ten minutes allowing me to finish up whatever I was doing.

Brushing her hair really isn't that bad. If we brush it nightly and add some de-tangling spray it takes only moments and is a minor inconvenience. However, she puts up such a fuss that more night than I would like to admit to I allow her to go to bed with whatever debris and tangles are in their from the day. I will let it go until I simply cannot allow her to seen in public with the rats nest that claims to be her hair. It then takes a good 15 minutes, and many tears, threats, and often unkind words spoken on her part (and some times mine) to get her back to being presentable.

My 4 year is not to be blamed. She is a child, I am the adult. I am the parent and authority. If her hair isn't brushed it's because I don't want to deal with a two minute inconvenience at the end of my day. The result however is a much large problem at the end of the week.

The same could be said of my spiritual life. How often does my indifference to the "small" things in my life lead to major issues. Some one speaks a thoughtless word and instead of going to God with my hurt feelings I stuff them in the corner of my mind allowing them to grow into a rats nest of bitterness.

In a moment of weariness I speak unkind words to my husband. Not wanting to deal with the "inconvenience" of humbling myself and seeking forgiveness for a few words I distance myself from him. Not dealing with a minor issue can allow a wall to grow resulting in a lack of intimacy.

A simple lie can grow into a habit of deceit that can ruin a life.

Not dealing quickly with minor temptations can allow them to grow and lead to addictions that are painful and time consuming to turn from. 

Keeping short accounts, confessing sin daily, dealing with the "small things" can save a lot of hurt and pain. And brushing your hair nightly is a good habit as well! :)

Thank God?

I was spending some time read, journaling, praying, resting today. In the midst of an amazing, convicting study about the Moses and Israeli  wandering the in the desert God brought what felt like a very random verse to mind.

Philipians 1:3 

I thank my God every time I remember you.

Quickly after this verse drifted through my head a couple of names followed. Names of people I am sad to say I do not thank God for. Names of people who tend to leave me rolling my eyes, muttering under my breath, or fighting with annoyance when I deal with them.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God brings people into our lives for a reason. I may not always like that fact. O.K. I may RARELY like that fact, but it is a fact. I wonder how my attitude toward the difficult people in my life would change if rather than huffing and puffing I took time to thank God for them every time I thought of them. I bet my attitude toward them would be a little different after a while.

Why Grace and Manna?

I crave routine. I live for steady, predictable, and secure. Oh, I like the occasional adventure, but I like knowing what is coming next.  

For the past five years my life has been a life of completely and utter flux. Nothing has staid the same for long. Truth be told things stay the same just long enough for me to get my feet under me and lure me into a false sense of stability only to take some wild, unpredictable turn. 

And it has been an amazing gift from God. 

Since being married my husband and I have had a number of sayings. They change with our seasons, but the one that keeps coming back over and over is Grace and Manna for today. Time and time again we have come to a place where we aren't sure how we will get through. 

Over and over we have faced our deserts

Financially, Emotional, Physically, Spiritually.

And each time God has provided. 

Just as he did when Israel wandered  in their waste land.

He has provided. 

Just enough.

For the day.

The needed.

The crises.

Just enough. 

Like manna from heaven.

Luke 9:57-62

The Cost of Following Jesus

⁵⁷ As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”

 ⁵⁸ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
 ⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.”
   But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
 ⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
 ⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
 ⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”